The Walls I have Built

Music doesn't just play idle in the background, it doesn't just fade into noise, it ministers to my heart, it has a way of reaching into my soul with truth that I didn't know how to put to words.
There is a song by Eddie Kirkland, Forever Changed, and it has forever changed me in a way that I have only been able to feel while singing, my heart  has been washed by the tears that have flowed down my cheeks, I realized even though I was living in freedom with Christ, that I still had some walls built, and not the healthy ones. So was I really living in freedom? I felt freer than I ever have, and I am learning that freedom in my heart , freedom in my life depends alot on me. Every day I am confronted with choices and situations, and I can chose to be free in it or I can chose to build walls, enslave my self to that situation. I never realized that I could keep going back and forth.
I know this is a journey, and until I'm home in Heaven I will never be completely free.
Know that I know I chose freedom, I never have to question if I've allowed Christ into my heart, or into my life. He is always there, even when I find myself back to that place building walls, He's there, waiting patiently for me to work it out, waiting for me to ask Him to help me break the walls down, standing there with His hand out so I can give him the brick and He can drop it to the ground for me.
The first lyrics of the song say " I have built with my hands all the walls that hold me in".
In my mind I see all these different kinds of walls,
brick,,stone,glass,bars,chain link fence,picket fence.
Why so many kinds?
Brick walls are sturdy and unpenetrable , they create a fortress, no one in and no one out. I have become a master brick layer in my life. I can have a fortress built within moments, and that scares me, how many good things have I kept out because I'm so quick to build?

Stone walls are sturdy, but are known to crumble over time. I look back in my life and I see all these stone walls in a desert, dry parched ground, standing there in ruins, crumbling. There are so many, I had no idea...

Glass walls. In my mind I see glass block, I'm putting them carefully in place, one block at a time. I can see you, you can see me, I can't hear you. You can't speak to me, you can't touch me, only see me. You may think you know me, but you don't.

Bars are a prison, and although I have never  been in prison, I have been a prisoner to my own mind, I have been a prisoner in my heart. Inside me was iron clad, and I was rotting away there in that cell behind those bars, no one could here my cries or set me free. No one had the key to unlock me from the prison I built within. I had the key and I threw it away, thankfully God knew my heart, He heard my cries, He saw the tears, He saw the tears I couldn't cry. He unlocked the prison and waited for me to come out.

Chain link fences are a wall that act like a barrier, I can have you come right up to my fence line, I don't have to let you in, I can keep you where I need you so I feel safe. I can have you just close enough. If I'm honest with my own heart, I can have you close enough to get to know you for  personal gain, for manipulation or because I really long to be in relationship.What is the motive with the chain link fence? I love people and I love relationships, but if I am completely honest in my life many years ago, I invited people up to the fence for selfish gain, and made it easy to retreat into the safety of my fence. How terrible and I am sorry for those fractured broken relationships. I had alot of excuses, 'well this person did this, so I did this,well they had it coming, and on ad on..' Excuses no more!
Lastly the white picket fence. This fence looks inviting. It has always created the illusion of the perfect family and the perfect life. When I was a child I always dreamed of this fence and what it would feel like to live this kind of life.
I never had an actually white picket fence but I lived like I did. Everyone thought I did. Through the midst of my suffering and all the pain I was going through, dealing with my childhood and broken relationships, I created this white picket fence. I learned to wear this mask ,create this false persona, and convince others around me that I was living this fabulous life, for a short time I even convinced myself. Untill the day at a Bible study a woman was sharing her brokeness yelled at me across the table that I could never understand pain like hers with my perfectly placed blonde hair, matching high heals and dresses, designer handbags and a sports car. I was insulted and embarrased. My reply was " you have no idea who I really am, what I have been through, this is all a mask, the clothes were on clearance, the designer bags are knockoffs" That was the first of a few people calling me out in a way. Then in the quiet I cried out to God, " how much longer can I live like this? These masks are cracking off faster than I can out another one on!"
Slowly the masks started falling off and I became more real, more transparent. Was it easy? Absolutley not! Would I change it? No, not in a second.
These walls and fences, I needed for a time , I needed some for survial, but they weren't meant to keep up and to keep building. My experiences have shaped who I am today and they are all aprt of this journey I'm on.
I'm sure I missed out on many blessings and friendships and good things as a result of all these walls that I built, I chose not to dwell on that, but to move forward, building.
I have built with my hands
All the walls that hold me in
I have wandered my way in the desert
I have struggled against
All the blessings You have sent
And I'm back to the place of surrender
Lord, You meet me here
In my darkest hour
And You stir my heart with Your love
Forever, I am changed by mercy
Forever, my heart is alive
Forever, I am Yours my Savior
Forever, my hope is Christ
Tears are sweet as they fall

Mercy rushes through my soul
Bowing low as You wash me with healing
Lord, You've sealed me with grace
Life eternally sustained
By the hope in my soul, You're revealing
Lord, You meet me here
In my darkest hour
And You stir my heart with Your love
Repeat Chorus
The power of sin is broken, I have been set free
For I have died and Jesus is alive in me

My tears are now sweet not bitter as they fall, because Gods mercy has changed me, washed me , healed me. He was there in my darkest most desperate hours, and He's here now, praise Him for breaking the power of sin and praise him for breaking these walls down with me!
The lyrics are above and I have posted the link to the song below. Won't you listen to the words and let the Lord stir your heart and bring you to a new place of freedom on your journey?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTMiZGew-i0