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Thursday, July 6, 2017

Standing before the volcano

The air is thick, a blend of humidity and tension.
So many seasons of my life have been a storm, I have seen it as a tornado of both destruction and grace.
I've felt it as if I'm drowning in the ocean as each wave crashes over and tries to choke the life gasping from my lungs. Then the hand of God reaches in and pulls me up.
I've survived storm after storm.
Not on my own, even though I felt alone.
It's always in the retrospect of looking back.
But here I am , in a storm.
Desperatley trying to see the retrospect ahead of time.
Impossible I know.
The air is thick.
Tension. Sadness.
The air has been sucked from my lungs.
Desperation. Tears.
This storm is new. I didn't create it, I didn't see it.
The unsettilng began many years ago. Deep rumblings began to shake the foundation ever so slowly.
It's too late to take cover. There's no place to go. I can't make it stop.
I had finally made my journey to the mountain top. It took a long time, many times I slid down and got back up to start over. Other times the fall down was so painful it took everything in me to crawl through the mud and dispair.
I rememebr clawing my way in a frenzy to get back on the path to the top. Abloody mix of snot and tears, hair sticking to my neck, salty sweat dripping into my eyes burning as I wiped them away.
Collapsing. Unable to breathe.
Resusation. Oxygen filled my lungs.
The grit in my teeth, was the same as my Saviors as He breathed His last.
Without Him, I would of still been there eternally dyeing.
When I reached the top, Gods favor rested upon me, I was filled with joy like never before. The glory of His presence was more than I could imagine. I knew life wasn't meant to stay there I just didn't think it would end so fast, I didn't expect the rumbling below, I didn't expect to fall this far into a cloud of overwhelming sadness.
I'm standing here. I'm not alone. He is with me, with us. With my husband. With my family. Just as He was with Moses when the Red Sea was parted  He is with us now. Just as He gave strenght to Sampson He will give strength to me. Just as He gave wisdom to Solomon He will give wisdom to me.
The rumbling grows louder.
It deafens my ears.
I'm standing here in front of this volcano.
This is my storm.
The rumbling grows louder yet.
It deafens my heart.
My heart races in anticipation of what is to come.
The volcano seems to be growing with each rumble of rage below.
The eruption happens so fast.
Violently spewing into the air.
Anger. Confussion. Betrayel.
As the lava flows I have no place to go.
The scorching heat burns not only my flesh but every fiber within my being.
Breathless. I cry out to Him.
No words come from this voidless shell.
He knows the unspoken.
Empty I trust Him to restore.
He did before. He will again.
I stand here in front of this growing volcano.
The ash is thick.
I can't see clearly.
The ash is thick.
Distorting my eyes.
I stand in this storm.
No words.
No sight.
No sound.
I close my eyes and trust while I wait for the rumbling rage to stop, the lava to cool and the ash to clear.
I have faced the tornado, braved many storms and I will face this volcano.
The Creator of all this universe, The One who calms the storms and walks on water,
He will smother this volcano and clear away the ash.
Then this overwhelming cloud of sadness will be but a distant memory

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Right now...

Right now...

I've been on this journey my entire life, completely unaware of it for most of it. Over the last 15 years or so I have become very aware of this journey and that I'm not supposed to just be passing through life. I started to live with intention. Living for Christ. I've been on this pursuit of freedom for years. Some days it's a slow crawl, others its a sprint. It's a journey up the mountain side, running, walking, falling, crying, on the verge of giving up, thirsty, yelling, questioning, being renewed, finding power, getting back up, time and time again.
Right now...
Right now I see a light switch, when it's flipped everything will change in an instant. I'm not stumbling around in blind darkness anymore, so flipping this switch will only make it brighter. An illumination, To see things more clearly, questions answered, questions I didn't even know I had. I feel the long pause of the quick stroke of the switch that has happened yet.
When God showed me the Red House in that vision 14 years ago, a switch was flipped, nothing could be the same. My life as I knew it leading up to that vision. My life now after seeing the Red House in person and my life in the future with the Red House. ( for information on this please see website and watch video at the bottom).
Freedom. My passionate obsession. not just freedom for me, but for all.To see people set free from the chains of their past. I find such an adrenaline rush of God's Spirit when He enters in and rescues the hurting heart.
Right now...
I sit here and see the switch has flipped and I am on this old wooden roller coaster. 
Clickity...Clackity... click... click...ratlle...
Along the old wooden frame. This slow steady journey to climb to the top.
Anticipation builds.Laughter,Fear.Excitiement. Then silence. The car rocks slowly, teetering at the top.
Right now...
I;m in this car at the top after the long slow climb of this last year. And I wait. And I wait. Untill the switch is flipped. And my life will be forever changed in this dramatic moment. With twists and turns I never saw coming. 
But I know these tracks were layed by God before the foundations of time, and in that I'm secure.

Oh Jesus here I am! Right now with eager anticipation I completely trust you on this ride, and I know when the switch is flipped and we go racing down, you are here in the seat with me on every twist and turn, and on the slow crawl back up to the top to teeter on the next edge. And I'll wait in eager anticipation and trust you on this journey with each flip of the switch as it gets brighter and brighter.
I love you Jesus. 

for more information on the Red House and fearless ministries please connect on our website

Monday, July 6, 2015


I feel the wind on my skin as it blows  through the trees and the rain starts to come, it blows onto my face, cool and refreshing.
I watch the rain pelt up on the concrete and it runs off. I see the grass absorbing as much water as it can until it's completely saturated and starts to pool.
I desperately want to be the grass not the concrete.
I want God's truth to saturate every part of me, I want to soak up every drop of His love. I want to be so filled by The Spirit that His goodness is pooled all around me.
I don't want to be like the concrete, where He pours out his blessings, His compassion, His love and I just let it run off.
Why do I ever let this happen? Why do I sometimes connect so much more with the concrete? Is my heart hardened because of the circumstances of my life? Have I become numb to His goodness? Or do I just expect Him to keep giving to me without anything in return? Whatever the reason, I do not want to be the concrete or the run off that drains into the sewer.
I want to be the grass. I want to absorb all of Him.
I want to know Him so intimately that I can sense the rain coming before the wind even starts to blow.
I want to be so connected with Him that I form pool after pool onto the grass. Not because of what I am doing but because of what He is doing in my life, with me, through me.
I want these pools of water in the grass to be inviting to all those that walk by. So inviting that they don't just walk by, but that they would stop and come.
That they would splash and with each drop they would start to be filled with Him.
That they would laugh and with each drop and be free in Him, through Him.
That they would be full of joy, find forgiveness, and look into the eyes of Love.
That we would be like sponges. Continually soaking all that He is.
That our sponges would never be dry. Soaking up all the rain on the concrete and ringing it out continually on all those that are there until their concrete breaks apart and the soil is exposed to the earth. Keep ringing the sponge until the first blade of grass comes forth and eventually they form pools of their own with Him.
Can you imagine this!
Being so close so connected with God that you are always overflowing in His love! Never are you parched! Never are you so empty you become dry!
Little drops of rain, one by one .
Ring out.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Communion- an exchange

A while back I was asked to help with the communion service at Church. I was excited to see what The Lord would speak to me as I gathered my thoughts and chose the music and I just want to share my heart with you, what I see and what I feel.
  1. 1.
    the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level.

  2. The sharing or exchanging. This really spoke to me. This is a time to share with God and exchange with Him. What was I willing to exchange with Him?
  3. pride for humility?
  4. bitterness for kindness?
  5. hatered for love?
    Sadness for joy?
    Addiction for sobriety?
    Chains for freedom?

  6. What was this exchange?
  7. So often during communion I focus solely on the upper room , the laughter as all the disciples gathered for diner, talking about the day, and I see Jesus laughing, smiling, but His eyes are sad, knowing what lays ahead, why they are there, what He will say to them, and I wonder if they since it? Can they feel something is different? Can they see past His smile? 
  8. What do they talk about on the way to The Garden of Gethsemane?
  9. At what point do they realize this wasn't just diner?
  10. I see the bread, the cup of wine.
  11. So often I dip my bread in the wine and watch as it turns the bread purple, swelling up the bread, until eventually the weight of it breaks off and falls into the cup. I watch it change colors and I see Hid body changing , His skin bruised, swollen, just like this bread, I see the wine slowly covering this bread, and I see His blood slowly covering my sins, as the weight of the wine takes over and the bread breaks and falls into cup , I see the weight of this world, the weight of my sin, breaking His heart, and I see His Father, Our Father, in Heaven overcome with sorrow, as Jesus was in The Garden, I see Him in anguish, having to look away because the pain is too great. Too great because He chose this, too great because He chose to create us knowing He would have to create a Son,His Son, to suffer for us, too great because He loves Jesus, His precious Son so much, and I imagine this broke His heart. 
  12. How can you look upon this and be ok?
  13. I see God struggling, and because He is the Holy Trinity, I wonder if not only did He agonize seeing this, but did He physically feel it along side with Jesus?
  14. My body has been hurt, I have been wounded, and it heals, it leaves a scar as a reminder, but the physical pain has passed. But my heart, when my heart breaks, that is a completely different pain, one that lingers, one that is so much stronger, and the healing is so different.
  15. I see in my mind when Jesus dies here, God , His Father is standing there with His arms open, just like we do for our children when they have been hurt, and tears are flooding His eyes, and He just hugs Him. I see Jesus sobbing, holding on to His Father not wanting to let go, to stay there and just breathe in His arms.
  16. What am I ready to exchange? 
  1. Less of myself for more of Him?
  2. I 'm ready to exchange my dirty hands for hands that have been made clean. I'm ready to exchange my plans for His plans. 
  3. What are you ready to exchange?
  4. I'm ready to share with Him my heart so He may continue to breathe life into it.
  5. What are you ready to share with the very One who was broken so you could be made whole? 
  6. Here is my favorite song by David Crowder. Here's my Heart Lord,
  7. listen as you pray, as you see , because He is there, waiting to make this exchange with you.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Broken Pieces

My life for far too long felt like all these broken pieces.
What was I to do with all these broken pieces?
Throw them away?
I tried but every time I picked them up they cut so deep , I could feel the blood drip down from my very life.
Walk away?
I tried that also, but the fragments embedded into my feet and I couldn't go but a few steps.
Ignore them?
I tried that too but I kept finding them everywhere I turned.
Glue them together?
That worked for a time, before they eventually came unglued, shattering around me, time after time. Each time felt worse, each time was more painful.
All these SHATTERED pieces of my life, my heart, my body. They lay around me calling out to me,
I quickly start scooping them up to push them away, they splinter, they hurt, they open old wounds and embed fresh wounds.
Falling to my knees . Surrendering all of these broken pieces to The One , I look down to see the truth of what I have become in the reflection of these broken pieces, I raise my hands, my head and cry out "Here's my heart, here's every piece of me, broken, and wounded, unable to move, take these pieces Lord, take every one of them, put them together as You would"
I lift my empty hands and wait as You fill them, as You reach down.
Take me by my hand and let's put these broken pieces back together , You and I , in a way that is far more BEAUTIFUL than they ever could of been.
See the ART THERAPY RETREAT CENTER God has given me a vision for here!