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Friday, September 16, 2011

sleepless nights

sleepless night!! well actully morning! i have so much to do and so littel time! bet that sounds familiar huh?! i was laying in bed and my heart is pounding and i can feel this EXCITEMENT running through me almost like its a  drug!! I think i have run up the mountaina nd am running laps around the top!! only if i had that same energy when i was at the gym this week!!!
Leaving for Milwaukee at 8 am and half packed. how can i pack the night before, im not sure what ill want to wear the next few days yet! it will be a fun trip, about 40 of us from church are going down to help in a homeless shelter and free medical clinic and a bunch of other stuff, i LOVE doing things like this. definately brings me back to reality to see my many many blessings and appreciate my life somuch more than i allreay do. My friend Andrea told me her and Perry try to live without regret. i like that concept. Will i regret it if i dont do  this or say this to someone? will iregret it later if i do or dont buy this or eat this or not kiss my aughters one more time befoe i leave for work.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Day 13 under my skin

This is the day the LORD has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
Day 13
Giving thanks everyday( even in the small things) whatever life brings.
 Yes. I know, really behind AGAIN! but this is a new day and after a full day at a conference on blogging, i realize I really LOVE blogging! So I am going to not miss my daily blog, anymore!
Today I am thankful for creativity and fun and laughter. I am surrounded by artist this weekend and like all people we have a story, a journey, we all conect somehow.
We connect in person or through stories and sometimes secrets. Secrets that are shouting louder  and louder and yet they go unheard.
My story.what is it really? what am i? who am I? I talk about that in my bio, but its really on my heart tonight. Sometimes I feel like one thing and others another. I assume thats normal, but do i really want to be normal? Hmmmm
How do I want to be known? As a mom? thats very general and to most probably boring. A hairdresser? Well I love my career but as my identity?  Friend? Yes I am a friend, but I think I need more. Not a description but really Who am I?
 Me, Destiny. I am a survivor, abused as a child. But do I want to be branded that way? Seems so taboo. But what I have been learning and discovering is what I have been through, has shaped and molded who I have become and that keeps changing and evolving too. I really have started to like me. But I dont have a LIKE button.!( And i think I am pretty funny sometimes!)
 I love to write, I love words, I like paper, collaging,journaling,painting,But i do it best and freely about pain,suffering,overcoming.
Shame. Sometimes I have a fear of feeling shame, what will people think of me if they know? What will you think?What would you say to me or behind me if you knew my 'real' story.

under my skin
raw gritty blood
flows through my veins
pulsating heat
shadows in my head
burn into my eyes

If I was home I would paint this. Thats what I do, paint my fear. paint my past, paint my story. I paint whats under my skin. Its what i know.
You can follow my other blog ajourneywithdestiny as well , I like to keep this one for rejoicing and the other, well it is the other side of me, and now twitter. this will be interesting.
Just know that I am a real person with real feelings and I understand more than you think. do you really want to know whats under my skin? Then follow me on this journey and take me with you on yours and together we can survive and breathe knowing that the sunrise is just peeking over the mountain and we dont want to miss it.

Thank you God so much for my story, how i wish i would never of had to endure and suffer the agony i have, how i wish no one ever had to, but thank you for giving me courage and a heart to feel and a canvas to paint any way i want, help me to continually heal and feel free of shame, amen

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today i will rejoice: savoring life like a white chocolate passionfruit ...

today i will rejoice: savoring life like a white chocolate passionfruit ...: this is the day the Lord has made and i will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24 The biggest challenge of this 6 month challenge to ...

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

journeywithdestiny: Journey to healing, to the cleansing

journeywithdestiny: Journey to healing, to the cleansing: the wound is deep flesh has rotted away infection is spreading is anything worth saving? anything viable? is it all dead? or is it only ...

journeywithdestiny: journeywithdestiny: Journey to healing. Part 1

journeywithdestiny: journeywithdestiny: Journey to healing. Part 1: journeywithdestiny: Journey to healing. Part 1 : Arise from the ashes. I can feel my chest rise and fall. Sunlight blinds me, burning my eye...

Monday, September 12, 2011

Journey to healing, to the cleansing

the wound is deep
flesh has rotted away
infection is spreading
is anything worth saving? anything viable?
is it all dead? or is it only distorted?
BLOOD
its dripping down
drip,drip,drip
my heart is beating faster
with each beat in  rythmatic tone the blood flows
splashing to the ground
the wound is messy, unclean
it needs to be tied off to stop the flow
PANIC
how do i stop it?
head is spinning, thoughts crash into one
FOCUS
images are a blur
shadows fill my eyes,but i see you
i see you, off in the distance, lurking
but i feel your breath close on my skin
VILE
putrid stench on your tongue
whispering lies,full of deciet
SHIVERS
cover me
your crushing my soul,shattering like glass
SHARDS
tear at my wound
emedding into the rotted flesh
more to clean
more pain,agonizing pain
the pieces need to be scrapped out, picked out one by one,even before the cleansing
my inner being CRIES OUT!!! NO MORE!!!
just leave me here

Thursday, September 8, 2011

journeywithdestiny: Journey to healing. Part 1

journeywithdestiny: Journey to healing. Part 1: Arise from the ashes. I can feel my chest rise and fall. Sunlight blinds me, burning my eyes. Raw throat. Broken body.Bruised. Shatttered...

journeywithdestiny: Journey to healing. Part 1

journeywithdestiny: Journey to healing. Part 1: Arise from the ashes. I can feel my chest rise and fall. Sunlight blinds me, burning my eyes. Raw throat. Broken body.Bruised. Shatttered...

journeywithdestiny: Journey to healing. Part 1

journeywithdestiny: Journey to healing. Part 1: Arise from the ashes. I can feel my chest rise and fall. Sunlight blinds me, burning my eyes. Raw throat. Broken body.Bruised. Shatttered...

Journey to healing. Part 1

Arise from the ashes. I can feel my chest rise and fall.
 Sunlight blinds me, burning my eyes.
Raw throat. Broken body.Bruised. Shatttered heart.
Empty soul. Dread in the pit of my stomach.
Bile fills my mouth.
These are good things I realize, good because it is a sign of life. I am still alive.
This is where the healing has to begins, the wounds have to be healed. But before the healing, the cleansing. Dread because of healing? Fear.
Chaos inside me oddly brings a sense of calm. Famailiarity I suppose.
Healing, is it worth it? Worth the cost?
Am I worth the cost? Or the time?
Change. Who will I become? Who will I be? What will I become? Will I endure it?
Survive. I survived the tragedy. I survived the abuse. Barely. But I did.
Survive. Survive the healing? Will I?Should I?Survive.
Ridicule.Slander.Mockery. My enemies, over time became my friends.
Shame.Fear.Sleeplessness.Isolation. Enemies you keep closer than friends.
They must leave.They bring nothing of worth.Shame reminds me of that,so we stay friends.
Sleeplessness brings his best friend,Fear.
They come together to visit at night,invading my dreams,sitting on my bed.
Mockery is never left out,usually I here him in the distance.
I don't want these friends anymore. Part of me is afraid for them to leave though.
I don't want to be alone.Who will come?
Lonliness is a friend but always brings Sadness.
Healing feels like an infection. A blistering puss filled sore. It has to be drained and cleaned. Having it touch anything sends pain throughout my entire body, every nerve ending goes from numb to fully alive within moments.
Oozing.Putrid.Infectious tissue.
Senses come alive.Nostrils flair in convulsions.Eyes water.Ears are pounding from the sound of my heart.
Yes this is life.My life right now.
Just breathe the cleansing air.
Survive.